The "C" Word

I just found out that a friend of mine has cancer. I’m not sure of the specifics yet, but I’ve known people with this type and they’ve survived quite well. But the news, for me, was hard to hear. I can’t imagine his thoughts. I know for a moment, he must have really felt alone. Hopefully not.

I was just reading in a book called, “Blue Like Jazz” and in it he talks about a speaker who discussed metaphors for Cancer. He asked the audience and they kept coming back with war metaphors. You know, they're fighting cancer…battle with cancer…etc. He said that many people consider the “C” word as something to fight. Because of this thought process, many people give up initially because they don’t want to have to go through something like that. They don’t want to fight. He went on to discuss how somewhere around 90% of people who have cancer are surviving. The cancer is either manageable or curable. He says that many people survive because they choose to look at cancer differently.

I thought this was encouraging, but didn’t think about it when I found out about my friend. I went right to the negative and then started looking at myself. My High School friend LeighAnn wrote in her blog ‘Cancer Chupa.’ Chupa is Spanish for ‘sucks.’ Sometimes there’s just no other way to say it.

I pray for my friend. I know that he is not alone. But I know that he may feel that way. At one time or another, we all do.

Computers...blogging...this is truly an orwellian fantasy we've gotten ourselves into. 1984 is now. Of course that summated that we've got to be careful when big brother is watching. What we're doing now is asking big brother to watch us. We're gladly opening up our lives and thoughts to the world. We're becoming vulnerable because we want people to know us. We want to be known. Funny how in this world of constant connectedness, we are becoming increasingly disconnected with the souls of people.

Every Sunday as I walk the halls of our church asking people, how are you...the answer is rarely a deep one. Maybe that's because I give off an air of not really caring to begin with. That makes me sad. Because I know what it's like when people don't care about you. In the movie 1984, society got to the point where nothing was intimate anymore. The society had become somewhat sterile and controlled. (sounds like many of our churches today.) People were together, but they were alone.

It never ceases to amaze me how people cope with pain. Hidden pain. They sometimes don't talk about it because they think that it's a burden to other people. Can you believe that, they don't want to burden us? They're the ones in pain and tragedy. What is it to us to listen? Maybe that means we'll have to do something. And frankly, someone telling me about their cancer or the problems with a friend or the massacres going on in the Sudan or the problems with war...I don't really want to have to listen to that...I feel pushed to take action. And honestly, that's encroaching on my personal space. Besides, I have other things to think about you know? Reruns of The Apprentice are on and I forgot to set the TIVO.

But we all deal with it. We all have pain, addictions, anxiety and fear. And sadly enough, most of us hold it in. What would happen if we had a unanimous data dump? What if we all found someone we cared about and told them everything? Hmmm. I wonder how that would turn out? I know God's there to take it and Listen. King David Did it in the Psalms. and Psalm 88 isn't a nice little talk about how nice life is. It's pretty depressing. But, then so was 1984...the movie I mean, not the year...I liked the year 1984, but the movie...well, I'd rather ask someone how their doing.

Living In The Past

Last night, for some reason, became an evening of memories. As I sit in my mini driving with my wife and daughter, something triggers a past memory and we begin talking about college and a bit after. (Oh, by the way, by ‘mini’ I mean ‘mini-van.’ Sorry if I pretended to be cooler that I actually am. It does have a personalized license plate if that makes any difference.)

So we’re telling each other some things that we haven’t talked about in years and wondering if the choices we made were wise or not. Moments we would have changed - You know, asking what we would do differently if we had the choice. I talked about past girlfriends and the fact that my choice of majoring in theatre and minoring in music may not have been the most lucrative career path. I said, you know, if I had to do it differently I would have…and I would have been…you know how the story goes. We all do it. Maybe it’s a form of regret, maybe it’s just a way to make yourself feel better that you could have made a better choice. For some people, I’m sure that they would go back in a second.

But as I drove with my wife and my two and a half year old, I began to realize that everything I love and hold dearly has been an outcome of those decisions. Those horribly selfish, but sometimes good decisions have placed me where I am today. I’m not convinced that it’s all worked out like it was supposed to have, but what does that mean anyway? Who knows how things were supposed to have worked out? All I know is that I was lucky enough to land a ‘red-headed’ wife who, for some reason, loves the fire out of me. And because of that love, I have a little girl who thinks I am the greatest man on the planet. How could I want that to change? Just so that I could have majored in business and maybe have a few more bucks right now? No…I think I’ll trust that God, my God has created this place for me to be. I realize that my decisions are who I am. Good and bad. And I kind of like to think that God’s been fixing this life as I go through messing it all up. I’m sure he’s tired by now… “Scott, just make a good decision…just one…please…I’m tired here.”

You know, His choices determine where He is too. He could have chosen not to love me anymore. But that wouldn’t have been true to who he was either. So…I guess that I’ll live in the today…not the yesterdays…and hope to come to a place where the past doesn’t haunt me…it teaches me.
By the way…my daughter loves the mini. So, I guess that was a good decision.

What I do...One More...

This is becoming a life story. Once more and then I'll begin to get to the point.

I walked away. Sort of. I tried to do something spectacular. I tried to take a strong step of faith that would have landed me on the cover of Christian inspirational books worldwide. What did I do? Go to Haiti? No. Go to Russia? No. Did I become a native American monk? No. I went to Virginia. And not even because I was following God's call. I went for Film school and for a girl.

I arrived stepped out of my truck and took a deep breath. "New Life," I thought to myself. "Ok God. I'm here. Let the blessings commence!"

(silence)

"Um...Hello?"

So, there I was. In Virginia. It felt a lot like Texas. Same air, same grass, same trees...and the same me. Only now I was alone. So to make a long story short...I couldn't really pay for Film school so I dropped out. I couldn't really handle the girl so I dropped her. I couldn't really handle myself, so I just...dropped. I ended up selling cars for the next 5 months.

I had quite a bit of time to examine the pathways I had chosen. Then God gave me a little help...through phone calls with a sensitive red-head who would end up becoming my wife. I learned a lot in that time. One thing specifically was that I needed to serve. My calling was service to God. How I wasn't sure. But, all my training and experience led me to this. Recently, my wife and I were talking and we both realized how we had kind of 'Gumped' our way through the last 8 years. You know, Not really knowing where we were going, but responding to each new turn with a sort of ignorant audacity. No matter what was thrown at us, we just kept on running...together. That's where the Children of God seem to fair best. Together.

So, it's been a while, but I've finally discovered that my experience has become my biggest reference point. God has me here, attempting to communicate his truth and love to a world who isn't really wanting to hear it. (They want to, they just don't know it yet...at least that's I feel now...it could change. ) Using creativity to turn these truths into bite-size theology. Images and situations in which most everyone can relate. I feel honored that Jesus has allowed me to do the thing that he practiced when speaking. Stories...helping people imagine without them realizing it. Honestly, I'm sure I'm still Gumping through it. Of course now, I realize I'm Gump. It's a nice feeling. So for now we'll just keep running... Until we stop.

What I Do...Continued

What I do. Professionally, it's been a long road. I guess "professionally" didn't really begin until a few years ago. Before then I basked in the world of the irresponsible - tossing unopened bills to the side and ordering cheap luggage from 2nd rate mail order catalogs. I would walk about as if the 300.00 I just earned for 1 day's work was worth a bit of admiration.

In those days having just finished college, I selected an almost perfect job path. Comedian. Finally I could remain that feelgood, carefree man-boy who really wasn't ready to leave college in the first place. I could associate with younger more vibrant people and...At times...Make them laugh. Guys would envy - girls would dream and I would get paid. All for talking in a French accent or pretending to be funny. It was great! Until I started realizing that the 300.00 I was getting was in fact, hush money. Money meant to keep me eternally irresponsible and naive.

Even then, when I knew that I was enabling my own de-construction, it took me a while to break away and into the world of the living. Now, for others, who are solidly responsible comedians (if there is such a thing) I know this will not be true, as they are solid and...well...responsible - fully integrated adults in a world for the perpetually young. But for me, I was buried under a mound of inaction. All the while hoping I would one day stumble or happen upon that thing or idea or world view that would make me spiritually rich. As it was, all I had to show for my life's work was a bucket of half truths mixed with tradition and religion...oh, and a kickin French accent. Yet, there was something missing - Me. I had become the jokes I was telling. So, I finally stood up and walked away. Sort of...

What I Do

It's interesting to see and hear people's reactions to what it is I do. I guess the title alone needs a bit of explaining. In a way, it does sounds kind of flaky anytime you have the words creative and arts in the same sentence. Creative can really mean most anything. "He's a creative accountant." "He's an administrative arts minister." When you use the word creative, you throw out most absolutes. College for a creative type...we aren't right or wrong. It all depends on how we 'feel' about our answer. That's the key.

Yeah...maybe I need to rethink it. However, there is a certain striking nature to the sound of it. Especially in ministry. But honestly, the bottom line is that titles are always a bit more glamourous than the actual nature of the work. The nature of my work is communicating with people. That's pretty much it. Hmmmm. To put it like that...It doesn't really sound that glamorous.

Regardless, what I do isn't that different from what anyone else does. I just get to do it with high tech equipment and cool music...sometimes.

more later...

Welcome

Well...here it is - My first ever blog. I have hesitated in doing this due to the fact that I've got a lot to say and not really enough time in my day to say it. I just assumed that I'd be yet another voice in a cacophony of sound...yet for some reason I'm just nieve enough to think that someone may care.

It doesn't really matter who reads this. I'll just talk and if you care to listen or respond then...fantastic.

I'll try to update this every other day for now and then after a few weeks we'll see. I'm still processing my past weekend. A lot of encouragement and affirmation from fellow ministers and their wives. I understand how important affirmation is. I take that as meaning that affirmation is just as important for the ones you feel you should be receiving the encouragement 'from.'

So...my mission this week is to affirm, encourage and pray for those I feel should be dishing it out. Maybe it's selfish, maybe it's not. Who knows...better to do it and learn than to not do anything and...well...not learn. Peace and blessings and Encouragement to you.

Scott