The Future is Now!

Here they are...little bitty things aren't they? They are simply known as #5 and #7. Two little embryos that offer us a bit of hope. Future Children? Maybe. We're prepared for the worst case. But we're also ready for some good news.

It's amazing what science has accomplished. Our Doctor is a Christian man who has been very helpful and supportive through this entire process. It's amazing what a good bedside manner will do for a patient. We find out in a little over a week if these little things decided to stick around. So, for now, we wait. Shelly was great in the whole thing. I admire her immensely. The shots, the anxiety...she's inspiring.

So, for now, we wait, play with our daughter, get ready for Christmas, and realize that through it all, God has made us better people through this journey. He has fashioned us a bit more into His image. He has, not us. We're simply along for the ride.

Shelly and I before the procedure. Very Green in there...for fertility I guess.

Waiting...

I sit, waiting for Shelly to finish with the 1st part of her IVF Procedure. Yes, we've decided to do it. IVF. In Vitro Fertilization. Routine now a days, but 20 or so years ago, a brand new science. We've been trying for some time now. 2 1/2 years or so without luck. Yes we've done the pills, the Doctors...Nothing. We decided to try again and not hold anything back.

Today's the day. I sit, thankful for the life I have been given...For the beautiful woman with which I have been privileged to share life. Even now, I find it difficult to write. I guess I'm rather nervous. I find that my brain tends to work through the issues that arise, but only when it's an inappropriate time to do so. It doesn't absorb the magnitude of the situation until later. Even now as I sit, I am literally feeling lightheaded.

I think about our Daughter who didn't want to let me go this morning. I know she probably sensed we were going somewhere important. She's intuitive in that way.

To think that God might bless us with another child is hard to fathom. The procedure might not work and we are ready for that. However, it just might work as well. Are we ready for that? I thank God for walking with us through this Journey. We haven't been easy to deal with I know that.

I talk with others when difficulties arise and I pray for them. I oftentimes don't pray for myself. I'm not sure why, but today, my prayer is that God's will be done. My prayer is that our children will grow in the light, love and knowledge of God through Jesus Christ. I pray that they will be full of the love of God toward others and that Shelly and I have a part in bringing them life and light to the world.

But for now...I wait...With a light head and a bit of hope. Hope that God is paying attention. Hope that his grace is sufficient...Hope that Shelly's okay...Hope that it just might be a girl...Or a boy...Or, with the odds...Maybe both...

Who is nearer?

“Those that hate goodness are sometimes nearer than those that know nothing at all about it and think they have it already.” the great divorce pg 82

A quote from the great divorce. It's referring to the question of who is able to cross over into heaven?

I've noticed, lately, an attitude of arrogance. The 'I'm right and you're not' thing doesn't work for me. Throughout Jesus' teaching and life, I don't see this arrogance portrayed by him. But realistically, he is the only one who could pull it off, because he was and is right. Yet, he chooses a different approach. I don't wish to belittle these types of people because they probably are right about several things. But, when we start getting an opinion about Christianity and worship, the attitude with some people changes.

Goodness. What does this mean? Does it have anything to do with worship styles or how we do church? Does Christianity have anything to do with when we meet and whether, while we meet, we pray, sing, listen to singing, entertain, laugh, cry, raise our hands or sit in silence? Did Christ come so that we would have rules more abundantly? Did he come so that by our Sunday morning activities we would be saved? Did God send his son into the world to condemn those that don't worship the way our religious tradition implemented? Are we saved because we have new ideas about innovative and meaningful worship?

Of course, we know the answer. But do we know Goodness? This statement says that those who hate goodness are closer to this Goodness of Heaven than those of us who are more interested in our tradition than the lessons of Christ. This hits home. Whether or not you buy into this statement it should give us pause to consider our motives. It moves me. It makes me want to rethink my intentions. It makes me want to discover goodness again. Rethink it. This quote infers that at the least, these people who hate goodness...at least they know what goodness is. The rest of those who consider themselves in the know...well, they're still trying to convince the rest of us through a little arrogance. As for me, I repent for my arrogance...I had a lot at one point. Now, the more I learn, the less I realize I truly know.

Turning Point

As in any great story, there comes a moment when the protagonist is faced with a decision. One which will change his life forever. Regardless of the decision he cannot go back to life as it was. This new dilemma will forever change the way he sees both his life and the world around him. When I read the story of Abraham and those before him, I get the sense that there were not just one, but many moments of decision. Moments that changed the course of history. Of course then, they probably didn't think that much of it, but as we look back, those innocuous little choices have had serious consequences.

In the Great Divorce, our main character sees many people in the midst of the choice. Of course here, on the frontiers of heaven, the spirit people or 'the solids' understand fully the ramifications of the decision that is to be made. However, those ghostly people who are in the midst of the conversation consider it nothing more than yet another series of words which they must endure. They do not understand how precious the situation is.

This seems to be the norm doesn't it? When I read this book, I remember the countless times that I have been faced with certain choices that now, as I look back on those decisions, have had enormous impact on my life today. It makes me reconsider my words when in a heated discussion. It makes me consider carefully my choices when dealing with people at church and at work.

The moments come without warning. And there is grace and mercy in those moments as well. How? Because God keeps sending those choices our way. To quote a character from the movie Vanilla Sky, "it's one more chance to turn it all around." If this book is possible, then that means that God keeps giving us a chance to make it right. He still pursues us and wants us to know that this is the moment...This could be the turning point in our life. What is our choice?

Wandering

Have you ever been somewhere so unfamiliar that you acted as if you knew exactly where you were in order not to draw attention to yourself? Probably happens all the time huh? I find myself in situations - locations where I feel completely out of place, but instead of feeling uncomfortable, I simply pretend to be at home. It's my defense mechanism.

What I find interesting about the main character's beginning journey is that he is surrounded by people who don't seem to be so concerned about the fact that they are all headed for a destination that is completely unfamiliar. They all seem to have it all together. They all seem to know exactly where they are going when in reality, not one person has a clue. They don't even seem to be enjoying the ride. They all tell their stories, and cry about how they've been put upon and mistreated and maligned. They share their plans to revolutionize the barren city below. Conversation seems intelligent, but beneath it all lies complete insecurity.

When it comes right down to it, none of us really know what's going on in life. A child dies, a mother disappears, one trusted friend rejects another, sickness creeps in. Some people walk around like they understand what's going on. Truth is, their just as lost as the rest of us, or they're wandering like the rest of us. Some of us aren't so lost as much as we are wandering. Tolkien said (roughly), "not all who wander are lost." Most of us wander. Some might have a better sense of the way than others, but for the most part, we're all trying to make it the best way we know how. I think for me, I'll just admit that I have got little clue as to why or what is about to happen, but I'll try my best to enjoy the journey.

Twilight

C.S. Lewis has a distinct way of describing things. His descriptions of the town at twilight are familiar one moment and ghostly the next. It's the town where his hero, if you could call him that, he's more of a voyeur...a traveller through this story, finds himself. Because the town is empty, he naturally gravitates to the only crowd he sees - the ones waiting at a bus stop.

The people are normal - a bit edgy and irritated. Kind of like church on occasion. But as the author points out, these are people who seem to know the answers. They seem to think they have it right, even though they mysteriously find themselves in the middle of an abandoned town during eternal twilight alongside a motley crew of fairly odd people. Still, through their conversation and attempt at order, each considers their socially constructed view of life as the social norm ...again, kind of like church on occasion.

What struck me as interesting is how the people in line waiting for something to happen pass their time through conflict and grumbling. It is unclear to everyone why they wait, but they await in their natural state. Here at this bus stop, no one can hide their true self. It will become evident eventually. Some stay, most leave, but the beginning of the journey begins at this all too familiar, but not so exciting place.

I find that I have admiration for these people - even for those rude self-centered ones present. Admiration for their bravery in attempting the journey. Something inside them seeks - longs for the trip until they find themselves at the crossroads of decision. For the most part, they've arrived at a place without really understanding why. It could be that the deep seeded longing to go home takes over the mind's perception of reality. Whatever the case, we as a people are drawn to the life changing decision. Unfortunately, we usually arrive with people who annoy us. We must be confronted with this decision alongside others who are in the same situation and how we react to each other will affect that decision in a particular manner. How will we be? Who will we find ourselves alongside? Will we be so consumed that we fail to notice each other? Or will we endure each other without disturbing the peace? Funny thing is...this still sounds a lot like church.

The Great Divorce - the Process

C.S. Lewis in his book The Great Divorce discusses the afterlife with a rather unique perspective. he presents the idea that "I do not think that all who choose wrong roads perish; but their rescue consists in being put back on the right road....Evil can be undone, but it cannot 'develop' into good. Time does not heal it."

The book talks about the journey of those who have passed from this life into the next. Now, the former fundamentalist side in me screams that the point of salvation is to rest forever in heaven with God so that we don't perish in everlasting torment. After all hell is reserved for those who clearly deserve it and those who just didn't get a chance to hear about Jesus. But the point of salvation rested in the 'transaction' of the recieving. I heard and used the prototypical evangelical question. "If you died tonight, do you know if you'd spend eternity with God?" Or I asked, "if you were standing in front of the pearly gates and God asked you why He should let you into His heaven, what would your answer be?"

These questions scared me. And when I used them on others it scared them too...well, the ones who actually cared about being saved. The ones who blew me off were probably destined for torment, so it was their fault for not being scared.

Now, the current me has changed a bit since then. I've grown to learn that salvation is more a journey of relationship rather than a 1 time obeying of the Gospel. I hear that...they 'obeyed the gospel.' Well, good. Are they still obeying it or was it just that once? In 1 Corinthians 1:18, Paul uses the term 'we are being saved.' He also brings up in 2 Corinthians 2:15. This statement was very intriguing to me because I never thought of it as a process. I dealt with absolutes. Right or wrong...no gray areas. But the idea of the grace that this statement presents is very comforting.

I've grown to learn that salvation is a growing process...a relational process. It is not programmatic nor is it committee based. Evangelism doesn't have to be scary. Unless you don't like people...then it might be scary. But more on evangelism later.

C.S. Lewis presents people as completely imperfect. Not in control. The struggle still present after death with those who have found themselves on the frontiers of heaven. How we hold onto things and think for a moment that we know better. In upcoming blogs I'll be talking about certain characters that are revealed and how I find a bit of myself in most all of them.

I'd love to hear your comments...

A New Normal

It’s been quite some time since my last post. Partly due to the fact that I really just didn’t want to write about anything. When you’re unpacking, painting, working a lot and not spending enough time with family - words are used more for speaking than writing. We’re in the house now and it’s still more than we expected. I’m still amazed at how God seems to over indulge his kids sometimes. He gives us more than we expected…well, maybe not more, but better. Quality, not quantity I guess. Overall, we sleep well.

As far as thinking goes, Shelly and I have been talking a lot about what it means to live well. When we’re bound to the ruts of our making, whether in lifestyle, or social interaction, we fail to fully realize the freedom that we have been given. It’s difficult to get out of those ‘same ole-same ole’ ways. It’s difficult to forge new process thereby creating sort of a new normal for ourselves. But, the new normal begins with conversation.

There’s a book that deals with our past, and our future. It deals with the idea of what it means to get rid of ourselves. CS Lewis tells an interesting tale about possibilities of the afterlife. It’s an original story full of interesting and provocative characters. One character might remind you of yourself or someone you know.. What I would encourage you to do is to go buy it – It’s called The Great Divorce.



http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&isbn=0060652950&itm=1

This will be the subject of my posts for a few weeks to come. So - I’m getting out of my rut now. I’m going to attempt to rough ride my way into a whole new rut…hey I gotta start somewhere!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I’ve recently been a busy bee.  We’re getting ready to move from our luxurious 750 Square foot palacial estate to a much larger plantation type home.  Of course, the plantation is not necessarily true, but it is larger than we thought we could afford, but by the grace and blessing of God, we’ve been able to go forward with the purchase.  Now, what I’ve realized is that buying a house takes a LOT of time.  I’m busy, yes, but when you add in the house walkthroughs, the meetings, the other things, the business just adds up.  

The good thing, besides the rockin house, is that I’ve been able to realize exactly how much time I waste on an average day.  I try to be responsible, yet sometimes, we waste time doing the piddly things.  Now, this has gotten me to thinking about my life.   It seems that the one thing that Satan likes to do more than anything is to get me to waste my time.  If he can get me to waste my time then I won’t be effective.  I’ll get down on myself.  I’ll become distracted from my real purpose.  I’ll become rushed trying to make up for lost time.  I don’t want that.  I want to be busy, but not because I have to be, but because I want to be.  

Just some thoughts…

WOW

WOW!

I can’t believe how much stuff one can accumulate over a 5 year period. Useless stuff that we don’t really use…but we might, so we keep it. We’ve just spent the last 3 days moving out of our current house into a temporary smaller house, (located directly adjacent to Shelly’s Parent’s house.) But, this wasn’t because we were kicked out or foreclosed on…we just happened to sell our house a bit too soon. Some of our house purchase deals weren’t quite right, so we decided to go ahead and move out despite the difficulties.

Liv, our daughter absolutely loves it. She’s three and just yesterday morning, her wake up words were, “good morning mommy, I’m going to say good morning to Nana and Papa now.” We have to try to tell her that just because we are on the same lot of land doesn’t really mean that they want to see us constantly. Well, they might want to see her maybe, but probably not us. So, that leaves me here, worn out, or as a friend said to me, “You look plum tuckered!” I told her…”Yes I am.” That’s my life this week. I’ll give more details later.

Narnia

Saw Narnia today. It's a new resolution of mine to go and see more movies. Not for recreation mind you, but mainly to keep up with the culture. Now there are a lot of bad movies out there, but occasionally one actually makes a crease in your memory. Narnia, moved me. The parallels are enticing. The story, I've always thought, was strange. The play, done by mainly by high schools now, is just drudgery. I did it in high school. Although the relieving moment came when my best friend Paul flint came out at the last moment dressed as the cowardly lion, er...Aslan. Now that was funny.
Nevertheless, This film urges me to consider myself in relation to each child. It seems I relate most to the traitor Edmond. But I wish to be magnificent and face my fears and fight my battles as Peter did. But too often I rationalize things away like Susan. But it all really comes down to little Lucy. Could we have the childlike qualities that help us overcome fear and be willing to sacrifice our comfort in order to help others? If you haven't seen it, I urge you to do so. Although I wouldn't take 7 and younger because of some pretty violent images.

Just some thoughts.

A whole new Year!

I know, I know, I haven't updated since December 5th. Well, that's another new resolution. I will write at least 2 to 3 times per week. What does it really matter anyway huh? These are just words of rambling from someone who may or may not be insane. Yes, 2005 wasn't the best year for us. In fact it was not good at all. Of course, we still have our family and our jobs, and laughter and money...some in our country do not. We still have the ability to walk around on our own two legs and flip the remote with our ten fingers...some in our country do not. We have the ability to work and take care of ourselves...some do not. All in all, we're alive, healthy and still fighting the fight. At least that means something!

I was watching Dick Clark on New Year's eve. The guy is AMAZING! He had a stroke but still found the guts and determination to go on the air, slur and all, and do what he loves. And when the clock struck 12, he kissed his wife - passionately. (at least, I think that was his wife) WOW! It looked like he was just so happy to be alive! Inspiring.

As for me...I look for the good in the new year. It's time for some good things to happen. Not just for my family, but for the world. But I don't really have control over a lot of that, so I'll focus on doing what I can to change my world. That includes those around me.

So, here's to 2005. Thanks for coming and Going. Here's to 2006. I hope we miss your departure.