Routine

My daughter and I have this ritual before bed. Shelly or I will read her a story. Then we’ll say our bible verses, (she’s memorized three so far) and then we say our prayers. We blow out the light, although lately she’s found it funny to ‘sneeze’ out the light, and then she immediately raises her right arm and says, “Rub my arm please.”

The rubbing of the arm started when she was a child and I would try anything to get her to go to sleep. I started rubbing her face and then arms. That seemed to really calm her down. Now, it’s routine. But, of course, it has evolved into a toddler massage of sorts. First the arm then the other, then the tummy and the back and the feet, to which she always says, “that tickles.” When she’s stalling she’ll start thinking of other things like fingers and eyebrows and neck and ears.

Yes, I sit there and I do it. I really kind of like it. I mean after all, she just wants to be with me. How long will that last? Maybe in her two and a half year old mind she considers me or shelly the only ones who could really help her rest. But, sometimes the tired side of me says, “Ok, this is the last time.”

Last night I was in the middle of the routine when it hits me. How many times do I do this with God? How many times have I put God through the routine? Sometimes it’s positive, but mostly it’s not. How many times have I committed the same offense and said, “God I’m sorry, I really don’t want to be this way. Please forgive me. I promise never to do it again!” Then I’m fine for a while until it happens again. And then I sink into the same routine. It’s maddening really.

Albert Einstein once said, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

That pretty much says it all. You know George Castanza of Seinfeld fame once decided to do the complete opposite of what his instincts told him to do. When he wanted to lie, he told the truth. When he wanted to order one thing, he ordered another. He was amazed at the results. He was liberated.

I question that. But then again, I question most everything. I didn’t used to. But I’m learning that not everything is as it seems. People aren’t as well intentioned as I once thought. I used to be naive and think that people were thinking more of me than of themselves. That’s hardly ever the case.

So, today, I sit in the midst of routine attempting to break out of the ruts I’ve created in my thought process. It’s insanity trying to become better by oneself. This is why my attempt at reconciliation with God becomes so tedious. Because deep down, somewhere, where I lack a confidant center, I feel that I’ll do it again. And this makes me sad, because alone, I really am powerless to defeat any of this. But while I pray, God remains. Maybe He’s thinking the same thing that I think while rubbing Liv’s earlobes. Maybe He likes the fact that I consider Him the only one that can help me get some rest.